Chapter 10
Sun light slithered in through tightly drawn curtains, not pulled in close enough to block a sliver of molten gold from dancing into the still semi darkened bedroom. Khushi smiled in sleepy silence as she opened her drowsy eyes to the gentle hues of early morning sunshine peering in, the essence of a wake-up call from birds singing out yonder-musical to her yearning ears and manna to her sated soul. Her heart was thumping with recollections from the previous night, her mind frenzied from emotions she still hadn't formed into coherent feelings. They were far too deep spun and complicated in the fathoms of her heart to be tilled to the surface for examination.
They will be there, forever stamped inside her heart and mind as awe-inspiring, subtle at the same time upending changes in her life. Only the feeling of contentment lingered, promising her many brand new things for the future.
The equation she shared with her husband has changed. She knew that much and maybe quite a bit more. Yet she waited impatiently, itching to try out and see how it would fit in, and how both would thread on the changed course of their relationship together. She had a good feeling about it
Khushi still felt physically stirred from last night, her husband being the sole perpetrator for her sudden knotting up of her insides as she recollected the happenings of last night. Blushing slightly, her heart singing wildly in delighted contentment, she tried to get up to realise a heavy weight pressing her to the bed; only then noticing her sleeping husband lying over her, his arms wrapped around her as if he's embracing her even in her sleep, his rough stubble rubbing against her as his face was firmly plastered to her bare chest and his tousled hair tickled her chin as he tuned his head and tightened his arms around her even more.
She felt a sudden giggle bursting forth as she watched him sighing contentedly. Such as angel when he sleeps, she thought as her blush deepened as their previous night's love-making tryst came to her mind. Not love making. Its was soul mating, she thought as a shiver of indescribable satisfaction ran through her body.
Freeing herself from him with utmost difficulty, whose clutches seemed pretty adamant on letting her leave, Khushi wrapped her trusted white bed sheet around her still bare body and walked to the tall French windows overlooking the glistening poolside, sparkling and twinkling in the early morning sun light. After weeks of melancholy, she finally felt rested and at peace with herself, the hollow misery in the aftermath of her loss diminished to the back of her mind. A dull ache still lingered but she felt her life was back in order, functioning as she wanted, hopeful and looking forward to the future with genuine interest.
Turning around she noticed that Arnav had now wrapped his hands around a pillow. 'Probably thinks it's still me' she thought with another giggle as she turned towards the dressing table and looked at herself in the mirror, feeling a sense of deep feminine satisfaction which turned to a gasp of horror as she examined her upper part of torso that wasn't hidden by the white cloth around her. Her neck and most of the chest area was covered in little tell-tale signs of their not so innocent love making session and as she dropped the sheet to the floor and examined all of her body she realised her daily wear-saree blouse just might not be able to hide the evidence. ' Arnav Singh Raizada!!" she said furiously as she touched a particulars prominent looking stubble burn right above her breast.
"I heard someone saying my name"
Khushi turned around to find her husband examining her appreciatively his eyes roaming over her bare form as he smirked, an arm comfortably resting behind his head. "Ah if I can wake up every morning to that gorgeous vision'I'd wake up everyday without any problem" he said silkily as he sat up and looked at her hungrily, his eyes darkening.
"I don't think so" Khushi snapped back as she stared at him angrily. "Do you have any idea what you did to me last night? Look at me!" she said pointing to her torso in general as she seethed.
"oh I'm looking at it all right" he said his eyes glinting.
"Urggh not that! Look at all these marks. This is all your fault. How am I suppose to wear anything without telling the whole world what we were up to last night.."
Her angry babble was cut short as he got off the bed and walked directly over to her, his expressions evident on what's to come next. "My fault huh" he said walking towards her predatorily.
"Oh no don't even think..." Khushi began before a hand reaching out to her grabbed her towards him and his mouth crashed over her in a hungry, nerve wracking kiss.
"We can't do this now Arnav" she muttered breaking the kiss and muttering to his mouth to be captured it again to the kiss. "I have to get ready for aarthi" khushi whispered, although she felt her resistance slowly ebbing away as she felt the tip of his tongue moistening her lips.
"shut up Khushi" was his solid growl before he kissed her in maddening urgency, his essence sinking into her as both grappled each other in heated frenzy and she felt herself being lifted off her feet and rested gently on the bed before he broke the kiss and looked at her tenderly, his hand caressing her hair and then her cheek, a tender light shining in his eyes as if a sheen of moisture was misting his hazel depths.
"Arnav what's the matter?" whispered a startled Khushi as she looked up at him worriedly. The change in his eyes was unnerving her and she reached out instinctively and caressed his face soothingly.
"I wondered for a moment what I would do if you weren't in my life." He whispered hoarsely, emotions of a man seeing things in true light for the first time emerging through the molten depths of his eyes. They held a sombre gratitude, a silent thankful prayer to the almighty for bringing her to his life, a predictable aftermath of emotions after last night.
"Arnav, I'm here!" she said gently, cupping her hands on his face as she looked deep into his eyes, so uncharacteristically vulnerable as she tryed to reason out the sudden sadness that engulfed his eyes. "And I'm not going anywhere" she pulled him towards her as she kissed him, trying to say all the unsaid assurances through her lips and parted her legs to consume him fully, the fire burning inside her insatiable with the need to feel him inside her reaching escalating heights and her own urge for reassurance from him transforming to desperation.
He took her lovingly in his arms as they slowly merged as one, intimately joined, physically as well as emotionally, trying to sooth the other as their unsaid feelings poured out in torrents. She had reached her own wracks of ecstasy as her body shuddered in climaxed thrills when she felt him pull out of her leaving her feeling as if she was denied a treat even though she was already physically sated.
"What happened? Arnav? You are not..done yet.. why did you stop in the middle?" she reached a tentative hand and touched his broad back as he turned away from her and already started to get up from the bed.
"We shouldn't be doing this without... anyway I don't want you to get pregnant again" she heard him say as he turned his back towards her.
"But Arnav that's just for three months.."
"yes I know" he said shortly as he swung his feet off from the bed and walked to the bathroom leaving Khushi looking after his retreating back, bewildered and confused beyond words. What the hell did he mean by that? Its not like he doesn't know of methods and what did he mean when he said he didn't want her to get pregnant again? Probably meant until the end of three month time-line but why did he look like that?
"We have an appointment with Dr Segal today, Khushi" his voice broke her out of the reverie as he emerged from the bathroom wearing a towel and dripping droplets of water all over the floor, having not bothered to dry himself up properly.
Khushi simply nodded. "I'll come home early to pick you up..say around 2. Ok?"
Khushi nodded again. "I feel perfectly fine now Arnav ji. You shouldn't worry so much about me" she said quietly.
"What do you mean I shouldn't worry? Of course I worry about you!" he snarled, his voice raised and throbbing with anger.
Khushi gaped at him, startled by the sudden unexpected eruption and equally surprising reaction, realizing how sensitive he was about health related issues.
"But Arnav ji, I never said'"
"I'm not going to take any risks with your health Khushi! Do you understand?" he lunged at her and shook her hard, his voice harsh and almost menacing and as usual she felt her eyes watering at his tone.
His eyes instantly lost it's fire as he tenderly pulled her into a warm although wet embrace "I don't want to loose you for anything Dammit!"
---
Arnav shifted the small post-it note with the contact information of a Dr Gowrikar, a renowned urologist residing in Delhi, his fingers rolling the edge of the note nervously.
A small bead of perspiration ran down his forehead. Should he tell Khushi? Was he taking the right decision?
Crumpling the small piece of paper into his pocket he picked up his jacket and barking an order to Aman, left the office to head home to pick up Khushi for her gynaecologist appointment.
---
"You are very quiet" said Arnav as he looked ahead into the pouring monsoon rain, smashing into the wind screen as he manoeuvred the white SUV through the suburban Delhi roads on their way to the doctor's appointment.
"I don't like gynaecologist visits" said Khushi while giving an involuntary shudder.
"I know" he said softly as he looked at her delicate profile sitting precariously at the edge of the seat, her face a picture of nerves.
"Khushi, what do you think about adoption?" Arnav asked suddenly.
"Adoption? I think it's a wonderful idea" she said smilingly. They had enough money to support a child who was not their own flesh and blood. And she knew she would love that child as much as she would love her own children. Besides she always wanted a big family. Three of their own and another one adopted, she thought already envisioning her perfect home.
Arnav simply nodded. "I thought you'd like the idea" he said softly as he reached for his trouser pockets unconsciously fiddling with the edge of the post-it note.
What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
---
Arnav sat in the small waiting room until his wife got the sonogram-ultrasound and pap smear tests done. He frowned slightly, his mind whirling as he flipped though the covers of a magazine, not registering anything as he sat restlessly on the uncomfortable plastic chair.
"Your wife's in there?" Arnav looked up in to the eyes of a stranger sitting next to him, observing him keenly. He nodded curtly before turning back to his magazine, showing much more attention to the glossy covers of 'Film Fare' than it deserved.
"Looks like you haven't been here many times. Nerves? Don't worry she'll be fine". Arnav decide to ignore the man; he wasn't in the mood for chit chatting. He never was.
"My wife's five months pregnant." The man said pointing a finger at the closed door. "when's your wife due?"
"she's not pregnant. Just here for a check up."
"complications huh?"
Arnav sighed. The stranger was persistent although he seemed like an alright fellow to him.
"No she had a miscarriage recently"
The silence rocketed off the walls. "I'm sorry. I know it's not pleasant. And most of the time people over look what we men go through." the man said softly, his eyes shining with deep unshed intensity. "You'll learn to live through the grief"
Arnav was silent as remorse and sadness washed off him in mind numbing waves. It was true. Not many considered how he felt at that time. He had ploughed on in his usual stoic demeanour, hiding his grief and pain behind his usual mask of inexpressive countenance.
"My first wife had to go through two of them. Bloody horrible" the man sighed not looking at anything in particular, his eyes unseeing into the distance.
"oh.." Arnav didn't know what to say. He was never good at saying niceties to people and neither did he want to sound as if he's prying. But then the man seemed conversational and friendly, in desperate need to talk to someone.
"I hope she was fine after that" he said uncomfortably.
"She was fine. But then she passed away three years back."
Arnav felt as if someone had clamped shut his windpipe, his throat constricting painfully as he turned around to look at the man sitting next to him, a stranger, sharing a story, sharing his grief and his loss with another stranger who would understand him and sympathise, no overly expressed sorrys, no obligations, no strings attached; just two men quietly reaching out to each other.
Another silence engulfed, much thicker than the last. He wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything that might put into words, how he felt at that moment. He tried to imagine a similar fate happening to him and banished the thought, unable to even complete it as his chest pounded painfully and ice cool blood rushed through his brain submerging into fiery pits deep within him.
"I.. I'm so sorry" he managed to choke out and reached for the man and patted him clumsily on the back feeling awkward and fake although in actuality he felt neither except a deep hollow feeling of sadness.
"How..how did she..?"
"She passed away giving birth to our first born"
Arnav felt his whole body wracking with unsuppressed shudders at the words; burning spasms of pity for the man next to him and an unidentifiable yet chilling cloud of panic shook him to the very core of his being.
"Complications during labour, low blood pressure, internal blood flow, load of poppy crap'" the man's voice droned away as his hand clutched at the small post-it note inside his pocket.
There was no alternative. It was all for the best.
---
They will be there, forever stamped inside her heart and mind as awe-inspiring, subtle at the same time upending changes in her life. Only the feeling of contentment lingered, promising her many brand new things for the future.
The equation she shared with her husband has changed. She knew that much and maybe quite a bit more. Yet she waited impatiently, itching to try out and see how it would fit in, and how both would thread on the changed course of their relationship together. She had a good feeling about it
Khushi still felt physically stirred from last night, her husband being the sole perpetrator for her sudden knotting up of her insides as she recollected the happenings of last night. Blushing slightly, her heart singing wildly in delighted contentment, she tried to get up to realise a heavy weight pressing her to the bed; only then noticing her sleeping husband lying over her, his arms wrapped around her as if he's embracing her even in her sleep, his rough stubble rubbing against her as his face was firmly plastered to her bare chest and his tousled hair tickled her chin as he tuned his head and tightened his arms around her even more.
She felt a sudden giggle bursting forth as she watched him sighing contentedly. Such as angel when he sleeps, she thought as her blush deepened as their previous night's love-making tryst came to her mind. Not love making. Its was soul mating, she thought as a shiver of indescribable satisfaction ran through her body.
Freeing herself from him with utmost difficulty, whose clutches seemed pretty adamant on letting her leave, Khushi wrapped her trusted white bed sheet around her still bare body and walked to the tall French windows overlooking the glistening poolside, sparkling and twinkling in the early morning sun light. After weeks of melancholy, she finally felt rested and at peace with herself, the hollow misery in the aftermath of her loss diminished to the back of her mind. A dull ache still lingered but she felt her life was back in order, functioning as she wanted, hopeful and looking forward to the future with genuine interest.
Turning around she noticed that Arnav had now wrapped his hands around a pillow. 'Probably thinks it's still me' she thought with another giggle as she turned towards the dressing table and looked at herself in the mirror, feeling a sense of deep feminine satisfaction which turned to a gasp of horror as she examined her upper part of torso that wasn't hidden by the white cloth around her. Her neck and most of the chest area was covered in little tell-tale signs of their not so innocent love making session and as she dropped the sheet to the floor and examined all of her body she realised her daily wear-saree blouse just might not be able to hide the evidence. ' Arnav Singh Raizada!!" she said furiously as she touched a particulars prominent looking stubble burn right above her breast.
"I heard someone saying my name"
Khushi turned around to find her husband examining her appreciatively his eyes roaming over her bare form as he smirked, an arm comfortably resting behind his head. "Ah if I can wake up every morning to that gorgeous vision'I'd wake up everyday without any problem" he said silkily as he sat up and looked at her hungrily, his eyes darkening.
"I don't think so" Khushi snapped back as she stared at him angrily. "Do you have any idea what you did to me last night? Look at me!" she said pointing to her torso in general as she seethed.
"oh I'm looking at it all right" he said his eyes glinting.
"Urggh not that! Look at all these marks. This is all your fault. How am I suppose to wear anything without telling the whole world what we were up to last night.."
Her angry babble was cut short as he got off the bed and walked directly over to her, his expressions evident on what's to come next. "My fault huh" he said walking towards her predatorily.
"Oh no don't even think..." Khushi began before a hand reaching out to her grabbed her towards him and his mouth crashed over her in a hungry, nerve wracking kiss.
"We can't do this now Arnav" she muttered breaking the kiss and muttering to his mouth to be captured it again to the kiss. "I have to get ready for aarthi" khushi whispered, although she felt her resistance slowly ebbing away as she felt the tip of his tongue moistening her lips.
"shut up Khushi" was his solid growl before he kissed her in maddening urgency, his essence sinking into her as both grappled each other in heated frenzy and she felt herself being lifted off her feet and rested gently on the bed before he broke the kiss and looked at her tenderly, his hand caressing her hair and then her cheek, a tender light shining in his eyes as if a sheen of moisture was misting his hazel depths.
"Arnav what's the matter?" whispered a startled Khushi as she looked up at him worriedly. The change in his eyes was unnerving her and she reached out instinctively and caressed his face soothingly.
"I wondered for a moment what I would do if you weren't in my life." He whispered hoarsely, emotions of a man seeing things in true light for the first time emerging through the molten depths of his eyes. They held a sombre gratitude, a silent thankful prayer to the almighty for bringing her to his life, a predictable aftermath of emotions after last night.
"Arnav, I'm here!" she said gently, cupping her hands on his face as she looked deep into his eyes, so uncharacteristically vulnerable as she tryed to reason out the sudden sadness that engulfed his eyes. "And I'm not going anywhere" she pulled him towards her as she kissed him, trying to say all the unsaid assurances through her lips and parted her legs to consume him fully, the fire burning inside her insatiable with the need to feel him inside her reaching escalating heights and her own urge for reassurance from him transforming to desperation.
He took her lovingly in his arms as they slowly merged as one, intimately joined, physically as well as emotionally, trying to sooth the other as their unsaid feelings poured out in torrents. She had reached her own wracks of ecstasy as her body shuddered in climaxed thrills when she felt him pull out of her leaving her feeling as if she was denied a treat even though she was already physically sated.
"What happened? Arnav? You are not..done yet.. why did you stop in the middle?" she reached a tentative hand and touched his broad back as he turned away from her and already started to get up from the bed.
"We shouldn't be doing this without... anyway I don't want you to get pregnant again" she heard him say as he turned his back towards her.
"But Arnav that's just for three months.."
"yes I know" he said shortly as he swung his feet off from the bed and walked to the bathroom leaving Khushi looking after his retreating back, bewildered and confused beyond words. What the hell did he mean by that? Its not like he doesn't know of methods and what did he mean when he said he didn't want her to get pregnant again? Probably meant until the end of three month time-line but why did he look like that?
"We have an appointment with Dr Segal today, Khushi" his voice broke her out of the reverie as he emerged from the bathroom wearing a towel and dripping droplets of water all over the floor, having not bothered to dry himself up properly.
Khushi simply nodded. "I'll come home early to pick you up..say around 2. Ok?"
Khushi nodded again. "I feel perfectly fine now Arnav ji. You shouldn't worry so much about me" she said quietly.
"What do you mean I shouldn't worry? Of course I worry about you!" he snarled, his voice raised and throbbing with anger.
Khushi gaped at him, startled by the sudden unexpected eruption and equally surprising reaction, realizing how sensitive he was about health related issues.
"But Arnav ji, I never said'"
"I'm not going to take any risks with your health Khushi! Do you understand?" he lunged at her and shook her hard, his voice harsh and almost menacing and as usual she felt her eyes watering at his tone.
His eyes instantly lost it's fire as he tenderly pulled her into a warm although wet embrace "I don't want to loose you for anything Dammit!"
---
Arnav shifted the small post-it note with the contact information of a Dr Gowrikar, a renowned urologist residing in Delhi, his fingers rolling the edge of the note nervously.
A small bead of perspiration ran down his forehead. Should he tell Khushi? Was he taking the right decision?
Crumpling the small piece of paper into his pocket he picked up his jacket and barking an order to Aman, left the office to head home to pick up Khushi for her gynaecologist appointment.
---
"You are very quiet" said Arnav as he looked ahead into the pouring monsoon rain, smashing into the wind screen as he manoeuvred the white SUV through the suburban Delhi roads on their way to the doctor's appointment.
"I don't like gynaecologist visits" said Khushi while giving an involuntary shudder.
"I know" he said softly as he looked at her delicate profile sitting precariously at the edge of the seat, her face a picture of nerves.
"Khushi, what do you think about adoption?" Arnav asked suddenly.
"Adoption? I think it's a wonderful idea" she said smilingly. They had enough money to support a child who was not their own flesh and blood. And she knew she would love that child as much as she would love her own children. Besides she always wanted a big family. Three of their own and another one adopted, she thought already envisioning her perfect home.
Arnav simply nodded. "I thought you'd like the idea" he said softly as he reached for his trouser pockets unconsciously fiddling with the edge of the post-it note.
What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
---
Arnav sat in the small waiting room until his wife got the sonogram-ultrasound and pap smear tests done. He frowned slightly, his mind whirling as he flipped though the covers of a magazine, not registering anything as he sat restlessly on the uncomfortable plastic chair.
"Your wife's in there?" Arnav looked up in to the eyes of a stranger sitting next to him, observing him keenly. He nodded curtly before turning back to his magazine, showing much more attention to the glossy covers of 'Film Fare' than it deserved.
"Looks like you haven't been here many times. Nerves? Don't worry she'll be fine". Arnav decide to ignore the man; he wasn't in the mood for chit chatting. He never was.
"My wife's five months pregnant." The man said pointing a finger at the closed door. "when's your wife due?"
"she's not pregnant. Just here for a check up."
"complications huh?"
Arnav sighed. The stranger was persistent although he seemed like an alright fellow to him.
"No she had a miscarriage recently"
The silence rocketed off the walls. "I'm sorry. I know it's not pleasant. And most of the time people over look what we men go through." the man said softly, his eyes shining with deep unshed intensity. "You'll learn to live through the grief"
Arnav was silent as remorse and sadness washed off him in mind numbing waves. It was true. Not many considered how he felt at that time. He had ploughed on in his usual stoic demeanour, hiding his grief and pain behind his usual mask of inexpressive countenance.
"My first wife had to go through two of them. Bloody horrible" the man sighed not looking at anything in particular, his eyes unseeing into the distance.
"oh.." Arnav didn't know what to say. He was never good at saying niceties to people and neither did he want to sound as if he's prying. But then the man seemed conversational and friendly, in desperate need to talk to someone.
"I hope she was fine after that" he said uncomfortably.
"She was fine. But then she passed away three years back."
Arnav felt as if someone had clamped shut his windpipe, his throat constricting painfully as he turned around to look at the man sitting next to him, a stranger, sharing a story, sharing his grief and his loss with another stranger who would understand him and sympathise, no overly expressed sorrys, no obligations, no strings attached; just two men quietly reaching out to each other.
Another silence engulfed, much thicker than the last. He wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything that might put into words, how he felt at that moment. He tried to imagine a similar fate happening to him and banished the thought, unable to even complete it as his chest pounded painfully and ice cool blood rushed through his brain submerging into fiery pits deep within him.
"I.. I'm so sorry" he managed to choke out and reached for the man and patted him clumsily on the back feeling awkward and fake although in actuality he felt neither except a deep hollow feeling of sadness.
"How..how did she..?"
"She passed away giving birth to our first born"
Arnav felt his whole body wracking with unsuppressed shudders at the words; burning spasms of pity for the man next to him and an unidentifiable yet chilling cloud of panic shook him to the very core of his being.
"Complications during labour, low blood pressure, internal blood flow, load of poppy crap'" the man's voice droned away as his hand clutched at the small post-it note inside his pocket.
There was no alternative. It was all for the best.
---
by Hiruni
---
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