Chapter 4
Kushi Kumari Guptha had always been a woman of strong convictions with an easy disposition residing on firm moralistic high grounds. She had a set of principles that never wavered from whims or fancies. She had a one track mind which hardly deviated from her goals and aspirations and nothing, absolutely nothing sapped her of her life's blood- her love for jest. Her ability to see a situation in the best of light and find the merest spark of hope in the most daunting of conditions was a speciality she had refined through the years. Her cheerful temperament was her birth right.
She was straightforward, firm in her beliefs and her spirit is absolutely unquenchable. She found delight in even the small things life had to offer. Her enthusiasm was contagious; her cheerful nature effusive and heart warming. She was an absolute opposite to her husband's grim nature but at the same time so very similar to him in many ways. Like ying and yang they completed and complemented each other.
Kushi Kumari Guptha has faced many an ordeal in her life; maybe more than most people had to endure in a life time. Her unwavering courage and optimism had seen her through all most all of them. From a child of 9 years who saw the death of both parents in one night, to a young woman who was cheated into an almost-marriage to an already committed man and being forced into a marriage that was threatened upon by the very man she loved, to being on the verge of becoming a young widow of a three month old marriage, Kushi Kumari Guptha had endured a lot at a tender age of 22. Yet in each and every instance the positivity and courage she exuberated had been remarkable.
Now as her husband carried her upstairs as if she weighed almost nothing, she wondered if it was the emptiness she felt inside her that made her husband lift her up so effortlessly. When he had finally rested her gently on the bed and straightened up to look at her, she wondered if he can see through her eyes into the vast empty space beneath her.
Never had she felt so desperately dispirited and hopelessly, helplessly numb inside her. It's as if a light bulb had snuffed out leaving everything dark and dreary. Never had she felt so aimless and passive. She had lost all sense of purpose in life. It was as if she would never be happy. Ever.
"Kushi?"
She looked up at him with expressionless eyes.
"How are you feeling?"
Kushi smiled with a gargantuan effort.
"I'm fine Arnav ji"
He nodded curtly in his usual mechanical manner although his deep brown eyes glimmered with anxiety. Her efforts to smile had not gone amiss by him.
"I'm going to send Hari Prakash up with a tray of food. I'll be back in a few minutes"
He strode out of the room leaving Kushi alone for the time being. He knew she had recovered neither physically nor mentally and she needed all the attention in the world to revive her back to her old self.
Arnav paced back and forth in his study. He felt utterly clueless as to how to handle the delicateness of the situation or what to say to comfort her. He needed a few moments to compose himself before going in front of her again. He had asked Di to remove all the bal gopal ji's (baby Lord Krishna) pictures Kushi had pasted over the walls of their bedroom before they returned back from the hospital. He knew any evidence of how much they had envisioned for the baby would crush her again and again each time she laid eyes on them. It was best to remove them before she returned.
As he walked back to the room he heard the distant clicking of cutlery. He was thankful she was having her meal without much complaint.
Kushi was sitting cross legged on the bed running a tentative spoon around a plate. He watched her nibbling the food as if there was no apparent taste in what she ate.
"Not hungry?" he asked as he sat down beside her.
"Did you eat?" she asked back.
"No. Not yet"
"Will you eat with me?"
He stared at her for a moment before nodding. "Ofcourse"
As they sat side by side slowly working their way into the tray of food, Arnav thought wildly of a subject to break the silence. Usually it was Kushi's errand as she never really ran out of words. But today she seemed transfixed by her own thoughts.
"The havan went well yesterday."
"I'm glad. I wish I didn't miss it" she said in a soft, expressionless voice not looking up from the plate. They lapsed back to silence. It was a companionable silence yet he was getting more and more desperate to make her talk.
"Di was telling me Anya was missing you yesterday. She thinks she likes to be in your arms more than hers"
Kushi's head snapped up, her countenance changing as he watched. And he realised what a bad idea it was to mention his 4 month old niece. Kushi gulped and gave a painful smile. The effort she put into smile almost killed him inside. She was in so much pain and he thoughtless spoke about a baby. He wanted to kickhimself for his idiocy.
After the meal Kushi walked to the open French window and sat on the little ledge separating the long glass doors and the pool side. A gentle breeze hovered around and the air itself was serene and quite. It was a warm peaceful afternoon.
"It's a beautiful day" said arnav as he sat down beside her.
She nodded and smiled.
"Kushi how are you feeling now?" he inquired anxiously.
"Not too bad Arnav ji. I'm fine" She was indeed fine except for a dull sting on her lower abdomen. The doctor had warned that she would encounter slight cramps for a few days but this was nothing new to her considering she had to go through a similar kind of ache every month. She was used to it.
But the cramps were nothing compared to the dull burn in her heart. This time yesterday she was happily day dreaming of many things, and today everything lay crumpled at her feet, the dust from the wreckage only starting to settle. The fact that she had gotten so used to dreaming of her little one and all of a sudden there was nothing to even think about made her head spin and heart ache.
Arnav pulled her into a one arm hug as she rested her head on his shoulder. The playful breeze hummed around them and Kushi felt her body relaxing; his soothing presence so close to her making her feel ever so slightly better. He was her solace after all. All of a sudden she wanted to cry. She rubbed her eyes trying to stop the tears from appearing and doing it stealthily so Arnav wouldn't notice.
"Kushi?" Arnav slowly rubbed her soft cheek and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "You can cry all you want. I won't stop you." His voice was gentle and kind, the uncharacteristic softness itself moving her to tears.
How well he knew her!
As kushi buried her head against the crook of his neck and cried silently into his shirt he wondered desperately if there was anything he could do to help ease her pain even a little. They sat outside for a long time silently drawing comfort from each other. When Kushi finally fell asleep, her head resting close to his heart he gently got up and carried her to the bed, settling her beneath the comforter.
He dropped a kiss on her head before striding out of the room. He needed to speak to Di.
---
Around mid evening when Kushi finally woke up she was startled to see naani ji, Anjali di and jiji sitting around her bed talking softly to each other.
"Ah look! Kushi bitiya is up. How are you feeling my dear? Did you have a nice nap?"
"Yes naani ji. Why did no one wake me up? I fell asleep"
"yes and it's good that you are getting some rest"
" Kushi ji! We are making halwa tomorrow and you must try the halwa I make. I don't think you've ever had halwa made by me. I'm sure I can beat both yours and Payal ji's halwa anytime" Anjali teased her as Kushi smiled back at her.
"oh we'll see about that, right Kushi?" said payal putting on a mock affronted face. "By the way Kushi Amma and Buaji's going to visit us this evening. They called in the morning to ask after you but you weren't here and then they called again when you were asleep"
Kushi looked at her sister and a silent understanding passed between the sisters that their family already heard about the ordeal. Kushi was immensely glad. Repeating what happened and watching their faces would be the worst kind of torture she could go through.
The ladies kept a light hearted banter, determinedly staying away from anything that even closely related to the incidents that happened yesterday.
Suddenly Kushi wanted to see Anya. She was a beautiful baby with soft tufts of hair and pink little arms and feet. Anya's sweet face reminded her of both Anjali and Arnav. She hasn't seen her for the whole of day and she missed her.
"Anya? Oh! Umm..she's asleep actually. I'll bring her to you when she wakes up" Anajli said a little too quickly.
"Oh ok.. but di, she never sleeps at this time'"
Just then the door bell rang and Anjali jumped to her feet.
"That must be amma and buaji" cried Payal with pretend excitement as she and anjali rushed downstairs.
A few minutes later amma and bua ji came in to her room closely followed by Payal and Anjali.
"Kusi!" cried amma as she walked across the room and pulled her into a hug and started to cry. "Oh Kushi how did this happen? This is so terrible! I knew we shouldn't have talked about the good news to Saritha. I'm sure it was the evil eye."
Bua ji joined her as she began to cry, sitting on the floor beside the bed, her hand pressed on her head in a tearful lament.
Anjali, Payal and naani looked at each other. All their afternoon's hard work of steering the conversation away from anything relating to what happened yesterday had just crashed to the floor.
Kushi felt as if someone had unwinded her as she watched her mother and bua ji sobbing, tears dripping down their faces. She was almost close to tears herself watching them cry.
"What is going on here?!" Arnav's voice reverberated through the room. He looked livid as he watched the spectacle unfolding before his eyes. Wonderful! Just what he wanted. Crying people around Kushi to make her even more depressed. He stopped himself from uttering one of his profound, signature remarks and took a deep breath to hang onto his temper. He can't yell at them. They were his in-laws after all.
"Please Aunty and buaji I'm requesting you all not to wail" he said in his customary deadpan voice although his tone was heated to the last syllable. "Kushi is fine. What she had to go through was not easy but crying around her won't do any good. So please stop. This is not the way to behave around some one ill."
"Chotte! Hold your tongue" said naani angrily.
"Arnav bituwa is right." said garima controlling her sobs with an immense effort. "We are sorry."
"That's alright aunty" he said curtly before turning around and striding out of the room.
After her mother and bua ji had left Kushi sat on her bed, feeling nothing. It was as if she had numbed her feelings. She looked around the room and realised that apart from the usual decorations of stars, colourful lights and devi mayya's murthi, her posters of bal gobal ji was missing. Arnav must have removed them before she came back. She wondered what to make of this. She was glad he thought about ever minute detail of her life, what hurt her and what wouldn't, controlling and keeping away all factors that might upset her sense of mind.
But she wished everyone would not act around her as if nothing has happened. She wanted to cry; cry with them and let it all out, not pretend as if nothing has happened and things were exactly as how it was before. Things have changed and she needed to accept it and move on and so do the others. But it was going to be harder for her to accept when no one seems to want to accept it.
"Kushi ji! I brought juice for you" Anjali entered the room with a smile and placed a large glass full of mango juice beside the bedside table.
"Thank you Di, is Anya up yet?"
"What? Anya? Oh no. She's still sleeping. Now drink the juice Kushi ji and I'll bring you dinner in a while. You have your medicines and vitamin pills to take too."
That night as Kushi slowly changed into her white Kurtha and waited till Arnav came to bed, she wondered how fickle life is. A sense of melancholy was slowly settling inside her.
"Lets go to bed Kushi" Arnav's said as he emerged from the bathroom in his black tracks and white shirt.
Kushi settled beside Arnav as he reached with an arm and pulled her towards him. She buried her head on his chest as she inhaled his worldly fragrance. If there was one thing in the world that would make her feel better it was being beside him. Yet half and hour passed by and sleep still evaded her. She squirmed between his arms unable to fall asleep.
"Not sleepy?" Arnav asked in his husky voiced reserved for the nights.
Kushi shook her head.
"I have an idea" Arnav said, even in the dark she could hear the smile in his voice.
5 minutes later Arnav and Kushi gathered the two thick comforters, a few pillows and some sheets and walked outside into the warm night. The pool glimmered in the soft star light and the air tingled with fragrance of jasmines.
Arnav prepared a small den with sheets and pillows and settling between the walls, he extended an arm towards Kushi. She laughed for the first time that day as she took his hand and settling on his lap.
"One second Kushi" he squirmed a bit and lifted her off his lap for a while before settling her back again.
"Ok that's better" he said after a pause
Kushi let out an involuntary giggle as she leaned back against his chest.
"Remember? I promised I'd count stars with you one day. Arnav Singh Raizada never breaks a promise"
"You just said that to throw maami off guard when she was spying on us"
"No, I really did mean it"
"Really?" said Kushi rolling her eyes, smiling incredulously into the darkness.
"So you won't believe me?" He said in a mock affronted voice.
"Look a shooting star!" cried Kushi her old excitement returning to her momentarily.
"Yes I saw that" said Arnav covering both of them with the comforter and hugging her to his chest.
Her attention was caught by two bright specks of light. Her amma and babuji were looking at her, twinkling and blinking in unison. Just then another bright star right next her amma's shimmered and glimmered in the night sky. She wondered if it was their little baby. Is she looking at her mamma and papa?
As Kushi looked back at the third bright star, she felt a wonderful sense of calmness washing over her. The feeling that she was watching her child was strangely comforting to her.
When Kushi finally fell asleep in Arnav's arms, comfortably cradled between him, the soft smile hovering on her lips remained for the night.
---
She was straightforward, firm in her beliefs and her spirit is absolutely unquenchable. She found delight in even the small things life had to offer. Her enthusiasm was contagious; her cheerful nature effusive and heart warming. She was an absolute opposite to her husband's grim nature but at the same time so very similar to him in many ways. Like ying and yang they completed and complemented each other.
Kushi Kumari Guptha has faced many an ordeal in her life; maybe more than most people had to endure in a life time. Her unwavering courage and optimism had seen her through all most all of them. From a child of 9 years who saw the death of both parents in one night, to a young woman who was cheated into an almost-marriage to an already committed man and being forced into a marriage that was threatened upon by the very man she loved, to being on the verge of becoming a young widow of a three month old marriage, Kushi Kumari Guptha had endured a lot at a tender age of 22. Yet in each and every instance the positivity and courage she exuberated had been remarkable.
Now as her husband carried her upstairs as if she weighed almost nothing, she wondered if it was the emptiness she felt inside her that made her husband lift her up so effortlessly. When he had finally rested her gently on the bed and straightened up to look at her, she wondered if he can see through her eyes into the vast empty space beneath her.
Never had she felt so desperately dispirited and hopelessly, helplessly numb inside her. It's as if a light bulb had snuffed out leaving everything dark and dreary. Never had she felt so aimless and passive. She had lost all sense of purpose in life. It was as if she would never be happy. Ever.
"Kushi?"
She looked up at him with expressionless eyes.
"How are you feeling?"
Kushi smiled with a gargantuan effort.
"I'm fine Arnav ji"
He nodded curtly in his usual mechanical manner although his deep brown eyes glimmered with anxiety. Her efforts to smile had not gone amiss by him.
"I'm going to send Hari Prakash up with a tray of food. I'll be back in a few minutes"
He strode out of the room leaving Kushi alone for the time being. He knew she had recovered neither physically nor mentally and she needed all the attention in the world to revive her back to her old self.
Arnav paced back and forth in his study. He felt utterly clueless as to how to handle the delicateness of the situation or what to say to comfort her. He needed a few moments to compose himself before going in front of her again. He had asked Di to remove all the bal gopal ji's (baby Lord Krishna) pictures Kushi had pasted over the walls of their bedroom before they returned back from the hospital. He knew any evidence of how much they had envisioned for the baby would crush her again and again each time she laid eyes on them. It was best to remove them before she returned.
As he walked back to the room he heard the distant clicking of cutlery. He was thankful she was having her meal without much complaint.
Kushi was sitting cross legged on the bed running a tentative spoon around a plate. He watched her nibbling the food as if there was no apparent taste in what she ate.
"Not hungry?" he asked as he sat down beside her.
"Did you eat?" she asked back.
"No. Not yet"
"Will you eat with me?"
He stared at her for a moment before nodding. "Ofcourse"
As they sat side by side slowly working their way into the tray of food, Arnav thought wildly of a subject to break the silence. Usually it was Kushi's errand as she never really ran out of words. But today she seemed transfixed by her own thoughts.
"The havan went well yesterday."
"I'm glad. I wish I didn't miss it" she said in a soft, expressionless voice not looking up from the plate. They lapsed back to silence. It was a companionable silence yet he was getting more and more desperate to make her talk.
"Di was telling me Anya was missing you yesterday. She thinks she likes to be in your arms more than hers"
Kushi's head snapped up, her countenance changing as he watched. And he realised what a bad idea it was to mention his 4 month old niece. Kushi gulped and gave a painful smile. The effort she put into smile almost killed him inside. She was in so much pain and he thoughtless spoke about a baby. He wanted to kickhimself for his idiocy.
After the meal Kushi walked to the open French window and sat on the little ledge separating the long glass doors and the pool side. A gentle breeze hovered around and the air itself was serene and quite. It was a warm peaceful afternoon.
"It's a beautiful day" said arnav as he sat down beside her.
She nodded and smiled.
"Kushi how are you feeling now?" he inquired anxiously.
"Not too bad Arnav ji. I'm fine" She was indeed fine except for a dull sting on her lower abdomen. The doctor had warned that she would encounter slight cramps for a few days but this was nothing new to her considering she had to go through a similar kind of ache every month. She was used to it.
But the cramps were nothing compared to the dull burn in her heart. This time yesterday she was happily day dreaming of many things, and today everything lay crumpled at her feet, the dust from the wreckage only starting to settle. The fact that she had gotten so used to dreaming of her little one and all of a sudden there was nothing to even think about made her head spin and heart ache.
Arnav pulled her into a one arm hug as she rested her head on his shoulder. The playful breeze hummed around them and Kushi felt her body relaxing; his soothing presence so close to her making her feel ever so slightly better. He was her solace after all. All of a sudden she wanted to cry. She rubbed her eyes trying to stop the tears from appearing and doing it stealthily so Arnav wouldn't notice.
"Kushi?" Arnav slowly rubbed her soft cheek and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "You can cry all you want. I won't stop you." His voice was gentle and kind, the uncharacteristic softness itself moving her to tears.
How well he knew her!
As kushi buried her head against the crook of his neck and cried silently into his shirt he wondered desperately if there was anything he could do to help ease her pain even a little. They sat outside for a long time silently drawing comfort from each other. When Kushi finally fell asleep, her head resting close to his heart he gently got up and carried her to the bed, settling her beneath the comforter.
He dropped a kiss on her head before striding out of the room. He needed to speak to Di.
---
Around mid evening when Kushi finally woke up she was startled to see naani ji, Anjali di and jiji sitting around her bed talking softly to each other.
"Ah look! Kushi bitiya is up. How are you feeling my dear? Did you have a nice nap?"
"Yes naani ji. Why did no one wake me up? I fell asleep"
"yes and it's good that you are getting some rest"
" Kushi ji! We are making halwa tomorrow and you must try the halwa I make. I don't think you've ever had halwa made by me. I'm sure I can beat both yours and Payal ji's halwa anytime" Anjali teased her as Kushi smiled back at her.
"oh we'll see about that, right Kushi?" said payal putting on a mock affronted face. "By the way Kushi Amma and Buaji's going to visit us this evening. They called in the morning to ask after you but you weren't here and then they called again when you were asleep"
Kushi looked at her sister and a silent understanding passed between the sisters that their family already heard about the ordeal. Kushi was immensely glad. Repeating what happened and watching their faces would be the worst kind of torture she could go through.
The ladies kept a light hearted banter, determinedly staying away from anything that even closely related to the incidents that happened yesterday.
Suddenly Kushi wanted to see Anya. She was a beautiful baby with soft tufts of hair and pink little arms and feet. Anya's sweet face reminded her of both Anjali and Arnav. She hasn't seen her for the whole of day and she missed her.
"Anya? Oh! Umm..she's asleep actually. I'll bring her to you when she wakes up" Anajli said a little too quickly.
"Oh ok.. but di, she never sleeps at this time'"
Just then the door bell rang and Anjali jumped to her feet.
"That must be amma and buaji" cried Payal with pretend excitement as she and anjali rushed downstairs.
A few minutes later amma and bua ji came in to her room closely followed by Payal and Anjali.
"Kusi!" cried amma as she walked across the room and pulled her into a hug and started to cry. "Oh Kushi how did this happen? This is so terrible! I knew we shouldn't have talked about the good news to Saritha. I'm sure it was the evil eye."
Bua ji joined her as she began to cry, sitting on the floor beside the bed, her hand pressed on her head in a tearful lament.
Anjali, Payal and naani looked at each other. All their afternoon's hard work of steering the conversation away from anything relating to what happened yesterday had just crashed to the floor.
Kushi felt as if someone had unwinded her as she watched her mother and bua ji sobbing, tears dripping down their faces. She was almost close to tears herself watching them cry.
"What is going on here?!" Arnav's voice reverberated through the room. He looked livid as he watched the spectacle unfolding before his eyes. Wonderful! Just what he wanted. Crying people around Kushi to make her even more depressed. He stopped himself from uttering one of his profound, signature remarks and took a deep breath to hang onto his temper. He can't yell at them. They were his in-laws after all.
"Please Aunty and buaji I'm requesting you all not to wail" he said in his customary deadpan voice although his tone was heated to the last syllable. "Kushi is fine. What she had to go through was not easy but crying around her won't do any good. So please stop. This is not the way to behave around some one ill."
"Chotte! Hold your tongue" said naani angrily.
"Arnav bituwa is right." said garima controlling her sobs with an immense effort. "We are sorry."
"That's alright aunty" he said curtly before turning around and striding out of the room.
After her mother and bua ji had left Kushi sat on her bed, feeling nothing. It was as if she had numbed her feelings. She looked around the room and realised that apart from the usual decorations of stars, colourful lights and devi mayya's murthi, her posters of bal gobal ji was missing. Arnav must have removed them before she came back. She wondered what to make of this. She was glad he thought about ever minute detail of her life, what hurt her and what wouldn't, controlling and keeping away all factors that might upset her sense of mind.
But she wished everyone would not act around her as if nothing has happened. She wanted to cry; cry with them and let it all out, not pretend as if nothing has happened and things were exactly as how it was before. Things have changed and she needed to accept it and move on and so do the others. But it was going to be harder for her to accept when no one seems to want to accept it.
"Kushi ji! I brought juice for you" Anjali entered the room with a smile and placed a large glass full of mango juice beside the bedside table.
"Thank you Di, is Anya up yet?"
"What? Anya? Oh no. She's still sleeping. Now drink the juice Kushi ji and I'll bring you dinner in a while. You have your medicines and vitamin pills to take too."
That night as Kushi slowly changed into her white Kurtha and waited till Arnav came to bed, she wondered how fickle life is. A sense of melancholy was slowly settling inside her.
"Lets go to bed Kushi" Arnav's said as he emerged from the bathroom in his black tracks and white shirt.
Kushi settled beside Arnav as he reached with an arm and pulled her towards him. She buried her head on his chest as she inhaled his worldly fragrance. If there was one thing in the world that would make her feel better it was being beside him. Yet half and hour passed by and sleep still evaded her. She squirmed between his arms unable to fall asleep.
"Not sleepy?" Arnav asked in his husky voiced reserved for the nights.
Kushi shook her head.
"I have an idea" Arnav said, even in the dark she could hear the smile in his voice.
5 minutes later Arnav and Kushi gathered the two thick comforters, a few pillows and some sheets and walked outside into the warm night. The pool glimmered in the soft star light and the air tingled with fragrance of jasmines.
Arnav prepared a small den with sheets and pillows and settling between the walls, he extended an arm towards Kushi. She laughed for the first time that day as she took his hand and settling on his lap.
"One second Kushi" he squirmed a bit and lifted her off his lap for a while before settling her back again.
"Ok that's better" he said after a pause
Kushi let out an involuntary giggle as she leaned back against his chest.
"Remember? I promised I'd count stars with you one day. Arnav Singh Raizada never breaks a promise"
"You just said that to throw maami off guard when she was spying on us"
"No, I really did mean it"
"Really?" said Kushi rolling her eyes, smiling incredulously into the darkness.
"So you won't believe me?" He said in a mock affronted voice.
"Look a shooting star!" cried Kushi her old excitement returning to her momentarily.
"Yes I saw that" said Arnav covering both of them with the comforter and hugging her to his chest.
Her attention was caught by two bright specks of light. Her amma and babuji were looking at her, twinkling and blinking in unison. Just then another bright star right next her amma's shimmered and glimmered in the night sky. She wondered if it was their little baby. Is she looking at her mamma and papa?
As Kushi looked back at the third bright star, she felt a wonderful sense of calmness washing over her. The feeling that she was watching her child was strangely comforting to her.
When Kushi finally fell asleep in Arnav's arms, comfortably cradled between him, the soft smile hovering on her lips remained for the night.
---
by Hiruni
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