Chapter 6
Khushi sat down on an upturned flower pot beside the pool side, her eyes trained unfocusedly on a butterfly flitting across from one bush to the other; its progression leisurely and impulsive. She was once fondly called butterfly- thiththaliya by her Bua ji. But was she a thithalliya any more?
"what goes around comes around" the words seemed to echo in her ears.
Too many emotions have bubbled up to the surface for her to take fully control of the reins. She wished she could shut all things off and run away. But that was not an option. She had a husband and a family to take care of; responsibilities and duties to be fulfilled.
Wasn't it the destiny of a woman to keep smiling and go on with life as if nothing happened even though her heart ached and bled every moment? Why did she react like that to Arnav? Hadn't they talked about their past and gotten over it? Given each other word of oath that they would put everything behind and let what happened in the past remain where it is, in the past? So what was the reason for her to lash out at him now?
Khushi's eyes filled with involuntary tears. Never had she felt more angered, hurt, frustrated and more than anything, confused by her own thoughts.
Everything was happening so fast. They had gotten married a little over 7 months back, after a gruelling 4 months of marriage everything was reconciled and her husband's love attained. Although they are still trying to rebuild their lives around the enormous changes, things had never been more peaceful or life more agreeable.
Anjali di had taken the news of her conniving husband really well, but there was still a haze of pain and hurt. Yet she had delivered a healthy baby girl keeping her preoccupied with lesser chances of a break down from the shock she received.
It wasn't perfect but Khushi had thought her life was nearly so. She had never felt happier or more blessed in her life. The fact that after everything she went through in her initial phase in marriage, the knowledge that her husband's life revolved solely around her gave her a renewed sense of euphoria, a sense of power and feminine satisfaction.
All the pain she had to go through was buried in a deep dark welt in her heart, sincerely expecting never to resurface.
Two months back she had found out she was pregnant. She had been ecstatic; one of her most cherished and well preserved dreams was finally coming true.
Yet things have been moving so fast, life a hectic blur that she hadn't found even a moment to stop and catch her breath.
Wasn't there a famous saying that said one need to analyse feelings and have a little inner chat with one's self once in a while? Is she acquainted with her feelings of late? Was this the reason for the sudden distressing reaction to Arnav?
A volcano of bottled up emotions brimmed to the surface, over flowing from the corners of her eyes in tears. And once started she couldn't stop.
Arnav watched her from behind the slits of the hall way leading to the pool side, her shoulders hunched and shaking as she always did when she tried to hold back her tears.
She had asked for privacy and he in no way was going to go against her wishes. He had already done enough damage as it is with his overbearing nature.
Yet the one thing that rankled and scorched his heart resumed eating his insides, churning pain and anguish in rapid succession.
Khushi had not forgiven him fully; her heart still harboured old resentments and prejudices.
Sure they loved each other, had a wonderful relationship of a husband and wife but beneath everything there still remained bitterness of the past; when prodded, came blazing to the surface in her heart. Was he over analysing her words? He had to admit he was paranoid about how Khushi really felt about him. Was he reading too much into her reaction?
Arnav turned swiftly around and walked out. When he was mentally disturbed he did gardening. When he cannot do gardening he consumed himself in work until he dropped.
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Arnav was at a loss of what to say or do as days turned to weeks and observed no improvement in Khushi's stature. She smiled and talked as usual but the growing distance between them spoke volumes. She was shunning him out of her life, her thoughts and her feelings. There was once a time when Khushi was like an open book telling him everything that popped into her head and shared all her little worries and problems like he was her best comrade. She had always waited with bated breath until he returned each day from work to indulge him with everything that happened to her that day.
The new silent Khushi was something he couldn't fathom. She firmly steered conversation away from anything related to what happened and kept a determinedly straight face at all times. He could no longer see the million facial expressions flit across her face. She had a permanently cheerful expression plastered on her face that didn't reach her eyes. But every night when she thought he had fallen asleep, he heard her crying into the pillow, her quiet attempts to muffle her sobs reverberating inside his ear drums.
He was all the more confused-unable to understand her or decipher her silences and her tears; the paranoia of her still harbouring feelings of dislike towards him kept on growing stronger by the day.
Earlier he has his own ways of making her gloomy moods lift up. One quick grab and a full night of passionate love-making would cure all the blues off her. Now he was hesitant to even touch her. Moreover he didn't even know if she still felt any physically discomfiture after the miscarriage and he certainly wasn't the type to discuss any female related problems with his wife or with anyone else for that matter.
He had almost made up his mind not to have any children at all. What he saw on that day at his office, with Khushi unconscious on the floor had thrown him in to a fit of horror. He was in no way going to make his delicate Khushi go through such pain ever again. The very thought made his insides writhe. So no children. It would be better to adopt. And it would be a good social service too.
His lack of communication had been the single most prominent flaw in his adult life. His inability to put words into his feelings had strained many of his personal relationships. And looks like he was on his way to do the same to his married life too.
Each day Arnav paced restlessly around his room, worked on his garden and devoted himself to work; each moment feeling incompetent and useless; feeling less of himself for not being able to understand his wife.
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Kushi bittiya, can I have a word with you?
"Ji naani ji!"
Naani sat down beside Khushi and took her hand in hers. She could very well understand what she felt. Sometimes only a woman could understood the pain another woman went through. It was an unspoken bond only the womanhood shared. There was no point in hiding feelings. A loss once suffered will always remain as a part within us that was lost.
Settling on her bed more comfortably, with Laxmi firmly tucked under her other hand; she squeezed Kushi's hand and gave her a gentle encouraging smile.
"Kushi bittiya I'm going to come straight out and tell you without going on any round about way. There is no need for you to hide your feelings from anyone. If you want to cry, cry your heart out. If you want to talk, all of us are here; you can talk your heart out. The best way to heal is to face your pain. Don't shy away from it. Now is the time to confront what you are going through and you yourself must do so. We are always here for you, you know that right?"
Kushi nodded, unable to speak, her throat constricted from gulping down the urge to cry. Maybe it was all those scattered and confused hormones in her body that's triggering this, but tears seemed to well up faster than usual these days. Emotions she couldn't explain or put into coherent words bubbled to surface like a snake gearing up for attack.
Before she knew it she was sobbing her heart out with her head resting on naani ji motherly lap.
Naani ji continued to caress her head silently pouring in her love and affection- her protective reassurance of a supportive woman over flowing from her to her youngest grand daughter-in-law; a mother-to-be who had suffered a loss and most of all, just like many, a woman who endured everything in silence.
As a mother of two children, a grand mother of three grand children and now a great grand mother, Divyani Raizada prided herself in knowing all the aspects of being a woman in its truest form. She had gone through ordeals, happiness and deep joys womanhood had to offer and she had survived and enjoyed the ride and returned to tell the stories. If there was anyone who can help Kushi bitiya in her trying, testing time, it was her.
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by Hiruni
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